A Captains Work is Never Done
by captainbanana
Summary: The Doctor takes Jack to the rainforest to prove a point when he doesn't believe him about an adventure he had. Jack being Jack… made it interesting for them both to say the least!


**Title: A Captain's Work is Never Done  
Rating: T / PG-13 for implied smut  
Character/Pairing: implied Jack/Ten, implied Jack/Ten/OC, some Jack/OC****Warnings: very poor innuendo, implied smut  
Disclaimer: Not mine, or I'd actually be able to afford the box sets. No copyright infringement intended yada yada.**

Summary: The Doctor takes Jack to the rainforest to prove a point when he doesn't believe him about an adventure he had. Jack being Jack… made it interesting fro them both to say the least!

**Un-beta'd so all mistakes are mine. Constructive criticism very welcome since I'm still learning the writing ropes.**

**Author Notes: My brain ran riot over here, so sorry about that. I got the idea for this story after I had a similar encounter with my pets! Some comments to a post on my journal got this idea floating around before the challenge, the challenge just helped me to refine it, then jabbed me in the back till I wrote it**

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"Doctor, where are we going?" whined Jack for the tenth time in half as many minutes.

The Doctor turned around, but continued to walk backwards without tripping over any of the fallen tree trunks and other debris on the ground. "Be patient, Jack. We'll get there a lot faster if you stop dragging your feet you know," he admonished.

Had that been aimed at anyone else they would have been apologising immediately, but Jack could hear the affection in the Time Lord's voice. Their road had been a rocky one, but Jack was very pleased that things seemed to be looking up for them. The Doctor had turned up at the hub at least once a month, Earth time anyway, after the events with Davros. Sometimes he'd just come in for a drink, other times he'd take the entire team to a pleasure planet – and amazingly they didn't usually end up running for their lives.

Jack looked back at the Doctor just in time to see a branch whip him round the head where he was still walking backwards. "Ow!" complained the Time Lord with a stubborn pout. He turned to the tree branch, Jack now forgotten and started ranting, "What do you think you're doing? You have no idea who you're dealing with you overgrown chunk of wood. I was very good friends with your descendant, her name was Jabe. Lovely tree with beautiful liana's, so don't think you can get away with–"

"—Doc, unless we're a lot further forward in time that the taste of the air suggests I don't think it'll understand you for another… oh, fourteen million years!" laughed Jack with a hand on The Doctor's shoulder. "Did you bring me here just to watch you bitch at a simple tree that, by the way, is no where near related to a sentient Jabe tree?"

"It could be an alien, settled here, ready to invade the earth," he mumbled. His frown turned into an outright pout as Jack curled over in spasms of laughter. "And before you say it, Time Lords **don't **pout!" he got out his sonic screwdriver then, and scanned it, telling Jack over the hum that he'd prove it was alien.

"Strange that, Doc," Jack replied with barely contained laughter as he looked over his shoulder a few seconds later, "because what I'm seeing is perfectly terran-tree-like. Nothing alien, nothing unusual, and certainly nothing that likes to hit Big Impressive Time Lords over the head!"

The Doctor shoved the screwdriver back in his pocket and stomped off in the direction he'd been going in before 'The Attack' as he had dubbed it in his head, capitalised and all. "Must have been an imp or tiny alien playing tricks," he muttered to himself. Before Jack could comment, he added, "Anyway Jack, we're not far now, should soon be far enough in. then you'll see why we're here."

A gleam that spelled trouble lit up in Jack's eyes as he moved to walk abreast with the Doctor. His trademark smile that would turn anyone of less stubborn heritage to his way of thinking immediately emerged on his face. "You know Doc, we're miles from anywhere, surrounded by lush foliage that will absorb the noise, and soft ground right now. I can't hear any water running, so I doubt there are any natives in this part of the rainforest. If you brought me out here to have your wicked way, just say so!" he stepped in a little closer, pulling his shirt from his trousers while leering seductively. "I don't mind in the slightest," he said practically purring now.

"Down boy," laughed the Doctor affectionately. "We have somewhere to be, you overgrown intergalactic playboy!"

Jack laughed along too, never having really expected him to do anything. There was a small part of his mind that was disappointed though. He forced his disappointment and rejection down into a tiny ball before it could leak off of him enough for the Doctor to notice. Still, he thought, he knew Ianto would be waiting when he got back home – or would assuming the Doctor didn't land them in the wrong time again.

They walked in companionable silence for a while, the trees gradually thinning out as they got larger and older. Patches of bright flowers, low shrubs and mosses became more common with the added light on the ground. It was beautiful, there was nothing quite like an untouched Earth rainforest, no matter how carefully they were planted on other planets.

After glancing at the sun, the Doctor stopped and looked around. A manic grin suddenly spread across his face, reminding Jack of a kid on Christmas morning. "We're here!" he said bouncing on the balls of his feet. "It's time to prove you wrong. Oh my, Jack being wrong – Rose would never have believed it!" He laughed joyously, seeming freer than Jack had ever known.

"OK, I'll bite," replied Jack good naturedly. "what do you want to prove me wrong about?"

"We-ell, remember our chat last night about the snail? Slurpy, stupendous, super snail – and their great alliteration?"

Jack thought back. To be honest, all of the night before was a little blurry. The Doctor had turned up in the middle of the afternoon claiming the TARDIS needed to refuel and repair a few circuits that she couldn't do with someone on board. In reality Jack was pretty sure he was just lonely, having not picked up another companion since Donna. Once the team had gone home they'd started talking about some of his older adventures before Jack had met him. The Doctor had entertained him with a story of nineteenth century Earth where there were six inch tall aliens after him in a rainforest. They knew what he was, and had blowing darts full of a poison deadly to him. He'd been cornered by them, one dart in his shin, slowly infecting him, when he claimed a snail with a shell over a metre long dived at his attackers, crushing them with its body. He had healed himself without regenerating before healing the snail's wounds.

Personally Jack thought the Doctor had been delusional at the time, especially when he told him it was an Earth snail, not an alien one. Jack summarised the story for him, missing out the part where he thought The Doctor was crazy, before asking again why they were here.

"Because," chirped The Doctor with the flourish of a magician about to do an astounding trick, "you didn't believe me! And I can't have that now, can I, the one guy who can spend eternity with me cannot think I'm a lunatic. Loon-a-tic, lunatic, lunatic, lunatic! Great word!" he laughed and bounced again.

"So we're here to meet a colossal snail?" asked Jack wondering if the Doctor really was feeling alright.

"Yep," he said popping the 'p'. "and not just any snail. It's the one that saved me; I can track him by the medication I gave him. So, ready to meet Alonso?" The Doctor could hardly keep still, and Jack, seeing his friend so carefree was finding it infectious.

"You called the snail Alonso?" he asked slightly incredulously. When the Doctor scowled he added indulgently, "Sure, lets meet your savoir," He'd see soon enough whether or not this was for real or a hallucination.

The Doctor motioned for him to stay in the shadow where he was, then took a couple of steps forward calling for Alonso. Jack saw something move in the bushes to the Doctor's right, and carefully slipped his gun from its holster ready to protect his friend if there was a trap. The shadow in the bushes emerged, slowly creeping towards where the Doctor was crouched talking to it. As it emerged Jack realised with a shock that he was seeing two antennae on a grey-brown body. It just kept coming – The Doctor was right! It really was a snail. The shell was a large spiral, pointed at the end farthest form the head. Jack crouched, finding it impossible to not creep forward slowly in his awe.

"Come on Jack, you're not usually so shy to meet a new species," laughed the Doctor as Alonso was almost to where he sat, with his tail not yet out of the bushes. He had to be almost two metres long!

Jack walked over slowly, looking at the snail – Alonso, he mentally corrected himself – in awe, and excitement. Following the Doctor's example he got his hand wet, then very gingerly touched his sinuous body. He was surprised when the skin was not particularly slimy, it reminded him more of a well used plastic bag, silky and a little slippery.

Answering Jack's unspoken question, the Doctor said, "The bigger they get the stronger their skin is, so they secrete less mucus. They don't need it to protect them so much when they get this big – although Alonso's the biggest I've ever seen by far."

As Alonso pushed himself into Jack's hand more he became braver, since it was obvious it didn't annoy him like it would a garden snail. He rubbed gently behind his right eyestalk, enjoying being this close to something he'd dreamed to be impossible. For him it had been a long time since he had seen something that he had believed impossible – another curse of the time agency making you learn endless lists of aliens. This though, it was on his home planet, right under his nose, and he'd never even known about it. The very idea gave him hope and desire to explore the planet in greater detail.

"Doctor," he said as a thought came to him. "I thought snails were that hermy-what-yama-callit thingy that means they have both sexes, but you keep calling Alonso a him."

"Hermaphrodites," corrected The Doctor automatically. "They are, but their minds, incredibly advanced minds compared to their bodies, have specified sexes. Alonso's is clearly male, and easy to read for me," he explained. A cheeky grin spread across his face as he stood up. "I'll find Alonso something tasty to eat – I know where there are some berries he'll love – you keep him company." With that he practically skipped off through the trees.

"Honestly, Time Lords!" grumbled Jack to Alonso who just looked at him intelligently. "He rarely makes any sense to me, do you understand him any better?" He rubbed a little harder as Alonso pushed against him, seeming for all the world like a cat. Then, quite suddenly, he stopped. Under his fingers a fist sized, white lump had appeared. He took his hand away and watched as it grew larger still, his panic rising. He'd hurt him, the snail who had protected his Doctor, now he'd be lucky if he didn't get the oncoming storm after him. Ever since he'd lost Donna, The Doctor had been an unstoppable force if anything hurt those he was protecting.

Feeling that the lump was a little warmer than the rest of Alonso's body, Jack got down closer to it and blew gently, hoping to cool it. His panic began to rise however when it grew even bigger. That was it, he couldn't hide from The Doctor's wrath – he had to save his friend. He shouted for The Doctor, hoping that he heard and could find his way back without getting lost.

In just a few seconds time the Doctor burst into the clearing.

"Doctor, something's wrong with Alonso," wailed Jack, hating that he sounded like a little child. "I was just rubbing behind his eyes when he pushed into my hand so i thought he wanted more but then I rubbed harder and this big white lump came up, it's really warm. I tried to blow on it, but it just got bigger and bigger and I never meant to hurt him I swear." Jack stopped, gasping for breath. "Can you fix him?" His voice was so small and unsure that he barely recognised it.

It was only then that he realised The Doctor was still stood several steps away. He hadn't come closer since Jack had started babbling. Fearfully, Jack looked at his face, expecting to see anger there, the terrible wrath of the oncoming storm directed at him. Instead there was amusement and deep laughter lines as he fought to not burst out in giggles.

"Jack, I'd have thought you of all people would understand about arousal!" he laughed.

Jack just looked back dumbly at Alonso. "Arousal?"

"Yep," laughed the Doctor popping the 'p'. "What would you expect to happen to you if someone rubbed around your genitals? I think you'd have the same reaction."

"He's aroused?" asked Jack as he finally broke through his fears. "Ha! Add another species to the list."

The Doctor rolled his eyes at Jack's feelings of triumph. "He's rather superior to you in his sexual abilities Jack," said The Doctor clearly enjoying himself. "What you have there is the very head of his penis. The whole thing is the full length of his body – so in his case very big!"

Jack mock-pouted, "That's hardly fair. I'm supposed to be the intergalactic playboy, why does he get better equipment?"

"If it bothers you that much I suppose I could always find you a shrink!" cackled The Doctor.

Jack tilted his head back to roll his eyes at The Doctor. "Not funny. And as a very sexual creature, I – oh, oh," Jack broke off moaning in pleasure as his head snapped forward. Alonso had crawled up his upper legs and had his tight, delicious muscles massaging Jack's groin. He moaned in pleasure again. "Doctor, um, can you… oh that's nice." He swallowed and tried to concentrate. "Doc, I have a job to do, find something to do for a bit." He had to bite back another moan as he moved his hand to the side of Alonso's head to reciprocate.

The Doctor chuckled. "I'll… uh… go and get the TARDIS. Have fun and I'll see you in an hour." He bounded out of the clearing, instinctively knowing the way back to his ship. Despite the distance he put between them he still heard Jack's moans and exclamations.

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The Doctor, having rested in the TARDIS for a while before taking her to the clearing, finally pulled his feet off the console. "Think he's had enough time old girl?" he asked, caressing her gently. She purred in contentment in his head before mentally agreeing.

The Doctor set the ship in flight, landing in the clearing just a few seconds later . Checking on the view screen he saw that Jack was, thankfully, decent and just laying down beside Alonso. He quietly went out the door, unsure if Jack was sleeping.

Jack had heard the TARDIS materialise, but had been too tired and in too much pleasure to do anything. Now though he lifted his head to smile lazily at the Doctor, the afterglow clear on his face.

"He's something else Doctor!" he exclaimed with a leering smile. "That was incredible – even worth the side effects," he chuckled looking down at the general slime on his trousers that the Doctor was sure was mixed with some of Jack's own release.

The Doctor looked at Alonso, then smiled. "He thinks the same about you. He's never had anything quite like it."

Jack laughed, his eyes lighting up. "I don't suppose you'd let me keep him?" he asked not really expecting him to agree, but having to try regardless. "I promise Ianto and I would look after him, he's far too fine a specimen to stay out here in the wild. He saved you Doctor, I don't want a hungry predator to have him as a snack – and that's only a matter of time." He stroked Alonso absently, wishing he could stay with him. "Myfanwy wouldn't eat him, and he'd be there for whenever you wanted to visit. I admit, I fancy a threesome with him, but I also want to look after your friends."

The Doctor watched him silently for a minute before saying "Can you carry him or do you want me to get a trolley? It's probably not wise for him to go on the console room grating till his underside gets used to rougher surfaces."

Jack was already on his feet, awkwardly lifting the enormous snail into a fireman's lift and staggering for the TARDIS. He was grinning like an idiot, intent on making sure he got Alonso into the TARDIS before The Doctor changed his mind.

A door appeared directly outside the console room. The door was open, and as Jack looked at it he realised it was a room sized tank with bark on the floor and endless plants growing in there. Gently, he put Alonso down, stroked him and promised to be back soon.

The humming for dematerialisation started, but after a couple of seconds Jack realised it was off. Stepping back into the console room, he saw that the Doctor had put the ship into a holding pattern in the vortex.

"Doctor?" he asked tentatively, worried something was wrong. "Why are we staying in the vortex?"

The Doctor turned back to him with a dazzling smile. "We-ell, I'd be more comfortable with this threesome in the vortex rather than parked on earth somewhere. I could find a deserted planet if you prefer though," he said shrugging nonchalantly, turning his back to check the view screen once more.

Jack could only do a perfect impression of a goldfish in response, his mouth opening and closing with no noise coming out. "I was actually on about with Ianto," he eventually stuttered, unsure if he'd even heard right. "but if you're offering, get your kit off!"

The Doctor shrugged out of his coat and jacket before turning around to face Jack. His eyes were alight. He grabbed Jack's hand and whispered in his ear with a cheeky grin, "Run!"

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**Author notes 2.0: just for the record at the time when I had an unusual encounter with my snail I had no idea what was going on. I thought she was hurt. That was an interesting email discussion with a long time snail keeper!**


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